Recently, a friend shared with me how great she thought my life was and in the same breathe reminded me how f*&#^ked-up it used to be, in her opinion. I couldn’t agree with her more and was very proud to say that I got by “with a little help from my friends,” or better yet, I got here, with a lot of help from my friends. I knew I couldn’t have done it without them. The conversation went on to something else and we moved on, but the reflection of my gratitude and the help of my friends and where I am now lingered in my mind till this day when I realized, the conversation was not complete.
I recognized full well, and with much gratitude, that I am who I am now with much work on my part, but with much help on the part of my friends. And basically, as the saying goes, “I couldn’t have done it without them.” But the truth of the matter that finally came to me today, is that I couldn’t have f&%#ked-up my life as well as I did, without my friends either. Granted, they were different friends, but they all did a good job. I came to realize today that I was on a war path to self-destruction, to annihilation, (okay, maybe I’m over dramatizing), but I was subconsciously and maybe even consciously letting my self and my life go to hell, with or without the hand basket.
I was not feeling worthy, life did not feel worthwhile, I was not sure which direction I was going, or why I should go in any direction, (again, maybe a little Hollywoodizing here). But what was absolute reality was that I was not in a good way, and I needed help going down, I couldn’t do it alone. So, I called in my “friends.” I called to my life beautiful people who seemed to me exactly what I needed for life to be good, but subconsciously, I had called them in to help me spiral further down. When I think of how bad or low or down it could have gotten, I am grateful that I didn’t have to go that far.
But the point of the matter is, for so long, I have been blaming some of these people for doing things to me, or against me, or giving me bad advise or bad company. But all along, I had subconsciously put out the APB, that I was needing, or wanting, or going to spiral down, whether I consciously wanted to or not, so, all you people out there who are down with that, please help me f&%#k-up my life, cause I can’t do it alone. At least, I couldn’t f&%#k-up my life fast enough, or good enough, and I needed “a little help from my friends.”
I get what it means to be in alignment with what one wants. Though on the surface I was hoping and praying that everything was good, deep down, I felt I didn’t deserve good, wouldn’t know what to do with good if I had it, and in the long run, didn’t want it because it was so far from where I was, it would disrupt my f&%#ked-up life. So, I got by with a little help from my friends, who did a really good job. So good a job did my friends do of f&%#king my life, that I wanted to give them credit for it. I wanted to say that “so and so did this to me, ” and “that son-of-a b&^$# did that to me…” All the while however, I wouldn’t say this because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s reputation and was taking responsibility, in my mind, for picking the “wrong” friends.
But in reality, that was not where the “problem” lay. I couldn’t fix the “problem” from the point where I was picking my friends, because that was not the root of the “problem.” It was, at best, the symptom, of the problem. Where the true problem lay was in with what I was aligning. My friends, my lovers, the family I choose to be close to, the strangers I met on the street…, they were all attracted to my spiral down, to my destruction, to my lack of self worth, to my… you get the point. They, consciously, or mostly unconsciously and subconsciously, were in it for the ride, for the fun, for the adventure, or worse, they were in it, because they were in the same place. The blind leading the blind, the destroyer leading the destroyer, and in some cases, the dead leading the dead.
What I thought was love, what I thought was friendship, what I thought was kinship, was my “low” or “negative” vibration, vibrating stronger, better, bigger, in the presence of a similar vibration. Added together, I felt bigger, my negativism was bigger than me, more powerful, awesome. It was what I wanted and need. And my friends were there for me, just like friends should be.
I’m not saying that there wasn’t any true love and friendship from these people, on the contrary. For as much as we knew love and honor and respect, we gave it to each other, or at least did our best to, even though there is never any love, honor and respect to give when we don’t have it ourselves to give. What we are giving is an illusion. Giving from nothing is a whole other story. I don’t judge me or my friends for this period, on the contrary, I spiraled down with people who had my back, and made sure I was doing it with as much grace and dignity. But they made sure I did it.
Interesting how some of these friends needed to go further down than I did, and left me in their wake running ahead with others who were just as able as they to go the path. Other friends of mine no longer needed the downward turn and aligned with friends who were on an upward path. And some of my friends and I turned around at the same time.
But whether we are on the path together now, or not, I am grateful to my friends for coming in and helping me as I thought I wanted to be helped and for doing what I unconsciously wanted them to help me do. It could have been uglier and it could have been harder and not as “fun,” alone. I don’t blame them, on the contrary, I thank them for helping me f*&%#k-up my life.