Over the years, I have heard much advice given to me and to others around how to make friends, keep friends and keep peace in the family. Much of that advise revolved around a few simple rules, “Don’t discuss politics or religion with anyone,” “Don’t lend friends money,” and “Don’t do business with family members.”
I can say that I have not always heeded this advice and have honestly and admittedly found myself in some interesting situations. I have discussed politics and religion with people and then have had people not talk to me again for years. I have lent friends money, and then have had friends never repay their loan. I have also done business with friends with whom I felt were family, and been less than enchanted with the outcome of the business dealings.
But at the same time, I have discussed politics and religion with friends and have helped change opinions or better yet, had my opinions change along with my understanding of the subject matter and of the friends with whom that discussion was had. I have lent money to friends and ended up getting closer to them because of the intimacy this transaction afforded us, whether or not the money was ever returned, depending on the situation. In some cases, the money was nothing compared to the love that was returned. And I have done business with friends and family and found my life enriched, whether or not my bank account was, by having worked with people who were of integrity and who loved me and I them and enjoyed working with and being in business with.
What led to this blog post is that I had a sticky situation come up with whom I am doing business. In fact, I have had two sticky situations come up with two friends I am doing business with, both unrelated to each other. In one case, I have been disheartened and disappointed in the lack of integrity of the friend in the way she is choosing to do business at the moment and her lack of ability to have faith and trust in our friendship, so much so that the friendship is starting to suffer, and it causes me much sufferance.
On the other hand, this second friend, has pulled us through of a sticky situation, helping uphold our ideals within the business and within our friendship, with honesty and integrity and love. Both situations could have gone either way and in both cases the business or the friendship could have suffered, or both. In one case it was both, and in one case, it was neither, in fact, in the later case, both are better than they ever would have been without the situation having occurred.
I was and am so grateful to this friend who pulled us through to higher ground for the good of the business and our friendship and it caused me to ponder this question. What better way to know what kind of a friend we have in each other than to go to the hard and maybe sometimes uncomfortable places? I could have stayed friends with the first person for a very long time and then discovered that she had this side to her, long after I was so invested in the friendship that it would have hurt so much more. In fact, maybe I would have never known that she had this side to her.
Though I believe we all have all the possible range of possibilities inside of us, some of us choose to use them in different ways. I am not saying by any stretch of the imagination that friend A is not a good person, not at at all. But in the way she chooses to conduct business, she would have eventually chose to conduct some aspect of our friendship. In fact, she already was, and always had, I just never noticed it before, because in friendship, I have let everything slide, because of my misunderstanding of what it meant to love someone and to let people be people. But when it came to letting myself be walked on, I guess I thought that was okay in friendship, but was able to draw the line in business.
How grateful am I to friend A and for getting into business with friend A, so I could learn how she chooses to do things and so that I could learn about myself and how I saw love. Doing business with a friend served me well. And though my friendship suffered, I never would have really benefited from that friendship, it was always one sided, I have come to learn. I do believe though that if I choose to be friends with person A in the future, that I know what kind of friends we could be, or I will know how to help her, if she chooses to be helped to be the best person/friend she could be. Because I know, deep down inside, she doesn’t want to be this way, she just doesn’t know better and is operating from fear.
Of course, I have my issues that I am working through as I am going through life being a friend and being a business person and it is obvious that some of the business difficulties are also related to my not knowing how to best handle or attract certain situations. Friend B, on the other hand, was able to see the current “problems” as opportunities to help us come to a better business working relationship that will serve us as we move forward, and was able to lovingly explain his issues and his path as well as point mine out with love, caring and compassion. Together we have come to a resolution that will support the business better at this point. However, the most important resolution was the one we were able to come to for each other as friends, and better yet, as individuals trying to be the best we can be.
Both situations, both friends have served me well, and I would have not been able to learn, grow and understand as much without having gone through the experiences with friends. In both cases, if I didn’t care about the person I was relating with so much, I would not have delved into it to try and get to the core of the issues.
Though there maybe better, or more elegant ways to know whether or not someone is a person you could relate to or with, discussing politics and religion may not be so bad after all. Think about it, why allude yourself in to thinking you have a friendship with someone who can’t relate to you. You may both agree to disagree, but at least you have come to an honest place as to where you each stand and can understand each other better.
And if you lend a friend money, you might see what this friend is truly made of.
Though, I, like many of us who have learned to be good trained monkeys and just repeat what we have been taught, whether we agree with it or not, have giving this advise before as well, I have recently started giving related advise, in a different way.
Like in anything else, or everything else, one must be discerning. Never discuss anything with anyone you don’t care to have a discussion with, or with whom you get the feeling that the discussion will not lead to any kind of mutual understanding or benefit, unless you are into arguing or wasting time or being frustrated. Never lend money to anyone you from whom you feel you won’t get it back, if you want it back. If you are a person who gives money to charity, and want to consider a friend a charity case, then give it to them and don’t expect it back and don’t ask for it back. If they give it back, wonderful, and if they don’t, how wonderful that you were able to help a friend with whom you had a relationship with, rather than send money to some faceless people through an organization without knowing if anyone in need ever really got the aid, as we sometimes do.
On the other hand, maybe the friend asking for money is really in need of something else, and it could be an excuse or a reason to reach out. In which case, maybe you could offer money management advise, or help them recognize their strengths or help them get a job or a higher paying job. And if they just want the money and don’t want your advise, be grateful you know where you stand in that friendship.
And finally, in my opinion, doing “business,” or working with, spending time doing what we love with people that we love, be they friends or family, is best possible scenario ever and how I want to live out my days. But not every family member or every friend of mine is a good business person or is interested in the business I am interested in. So, like anything else, everyone has their place, and if it is not in your business, they shouldn’t be there, it has nothing to do with whether they are family members, friends or not.
I wish I could name the friends that have helped me get to this understanding of mine, to thank them, both the ones that have caused my heart to ponder, and the ones that have caused my heart to be overjoyed, because they have truly helped shape me. I hold no regrets or grudges because I feel like I have called them each in for great learnings and growth. I do choose, however, to learn as much as possible in my future from joy and bliss with people who choose the same and I look forward to so much of it.