Last night I found myself describing to a friend some of the feelings I have been having lately and some of my discoveries about myself and life. As I was sharing away, I realized that I was talking like an excited child or adolescent, and then realized that most of what I was sharing were things that I would have, “normally,” experienced as an adolescent. When I came to this realization, I got embarrassed, and stopped sharing. Instead I said, “I know I sound pathetic, to be talking like this as a grown man.”
Happily I have great friends and this friend said to me, that I didn’t sound pathetic at all, and that if I was experiencing these feelings and things now, that I could be excited and how great it is that I get to experience them… better “late” than never.
This morning I reflected on, what my life would have been like if I had only experienced certain things as a young adult instead of only now. The word, pathetic came to mind again. I looked at all the experiences I potentially missed out on and also thought about all the people who may have noticed my obvious stunted growth in certain areas and wondered if they looked at me at the time and thought the same thing… pathetic.
Then I remembered the words of my friend, who didn’t look at me as pathetic but was genuinely excited for me and I had a change of heart. If indeed my life has been pathetic because of not having certain feelings or experiences, my life hereafter could be just as pathetic if I choose to bemoan my “lost” years and “time.” On the other hand, if I choose to take my new found feelings and experiences and be excited about them, and rejoice in discovering them and owning them, then my life can be from here on out potentially everything I want it to be and maybe more.
Besides, one thing is also true, I have noticed that there are friends of mine who have had it going on in areas that I feel I have been lacking, and I see that they have told me that they wish they had it going on in areas that I do. In fact, a few of them have had their lives messed up, by their own admission, because they DID have it going on in areas that I am currently bemoaning. So, there is no guarantee that my life would have been any better, and potentially maybe could have been even worse, had I discovered my feelings and experiences soon than just yesterday.
But even that is inconsequential, who can say what would have been? And maybe it just doesn’t matter anyway. What matters now is that I own more pieces of myself than I did before, and I choose to celebrate that fact and be excited about moving forward in wholeness instead of looking at the past or looking at myself and thinking that anything is pathetic. I suppose technically, choosing to look at it as pathetic would only be more pathetic.
So, life changes for me and I’m choosing to be excited about it from now on.