I have a long time dear friend who I have seen through a few pivotal relationships. Some have been fun and some not so fun. Each has had it’s benefits and drawbacks, and definitely, learnings. All of them, I would say, have helped her become the beautiful person that she is today. So, in a sense, they have all been “right,” or at the very least, helpful.
Lately I have been subscribing to a new theory for me. That theory is, as I look at my life, from childhood to today, could I have learned the same lessons I have learned through joy, laughter, ease, and comfort? The answer is maybe, maybe not. However, I am willing to give it a shot and am telling myself that I learn my lessons and experience my life only through joy, laugher, ease and comfort.
Now, of course I understand that some things gotta hurt. If you go to the gym and work out, your muscle is gonna hurt for a few days afterwards. But as I see it now, that’s a good hurt. While you are working out, hopefully you are thinking how good you are going to look in your swimwear, or how good you are going to feel, or how better you can maneuver your life because of your better health, or body, etc. And therefore, I look at that pain as a good pain, a joyful pain.
Can we do relationships like that? I think so. I have had experiences in relationship where I have done things I didn’t want to do, or rather I should say, that I didn’t know I wanted to do. And after I did them, I was glad I was “forced” to do them because of my relationship. That I consider learning through joy, i.e. because it brings you joy to please someone else, you realize that you en-joyed doing it too.
But there have been a relationship or two where I have done things I didn’t want to do, and then not only have felt like I didn’t benefit from doing what I did, but actually regretted it. I would say, that is not the most beneficial relationship and I have chosen to learn from relationships, and friendships that if they gotta hurt, then I choose a “good pain,” like after working out, for my health.
That being said, I have lately been challenging my friend about her current relationship and asking her simply this, “Why are you disrespecting yourself in this relationship?” Okay, I said a lot more than that. But I never told her that this man was not good for her, nor did I tell her to leave him. I like the guy and think he and the relationship have a lot of potential. But where the relationship is at the moment is a place that shows me she is not respecting herself through it.
Her answer to me confirmed what I believed to be true. She responded by literally shooing the question away with her hand and saying, “I’ll be with him till one of us dies.” With that answer, she may be, in her mind, respecting a vow she made, or a rule someone has set for her relationship, or something, someone or anything other than herself.
I told her that she wouldn’t have to do anything in this relationship any different, except start respecting herself. By respecting herself, I offered that she could start asking herself, “What do I want in this moment?” “What would I like to do today?” The answer might be, “Spend the day with him.” But ask yourself first, I would say and see what you want, and then as best you can, try and respect your “I want.”
She would eventually curtail the conversation, and I would respect that that is where she was and that she had had enough of what I was giving. I never pushed, I didn’t nag, otherwise, I would be doing what I no longer want to experience myself.
Well, yesterday I got a call from my friend, and she sounded so happy. One of the first things she said to me is that in 6 months she was going to be in a new relationship, and “I’m looking forward to my new relationship.” This is not only what she told me, it is what she told her man.
Apparently she said it like this. She said to him that she has not been respecting herself, what her “I wants” are, and how she wants to live her life. And so she said, she is looking forward to her new relationship in which she feels respected and loved and feels alive. She went on to tell him, that she hopes the new relationship is with him, but if it’s not, then it will be with someone else who is aligned with who she is and where she is now in her life.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m very proud of her.